I want to write the blog, but I can't think of much to write, and again the gap has grown. Last month I didn't manage a single post.
I have a few drafts saved, so in the near term I think I can post more steadily.
Since going independent I've had a bit of a pause, all kinds of things happened, and finally the sense of being independent has become the default state.
I thought going independent would bring lots of new feelings and steadily more material for this blog — but that wasn't the case.
Why? Because there aren't as many new experiences as I expected? Because prioritizing stabilizing life lowers the priority of thinking carefully? Or is the causality flipped — fewer things to write, so input and flashes weaken accordingly?
I feel like I wrote something similar last time.
How causal it is, I don't know. Strange.
Looking back at my own blog and remembering when I used to write — it was rarely event-based, wanting to write this topic. So yes, I have to make it a habit.
One thing I can say: I'm writing on my phone in a cafe right now, and writing the blog still settles my mind.
I really do have to write. For me, this blog turns out to be something that matters a lot, for all its messiness.
Anyway, new work has settled a bit, and I'm thinking I have to take on more work from here.
Earning money is so hard — I feel that every day.
Going independent without much of a clear specialty and without thinking ahead ends up like this, I guess.
Still, I'm helped enough by people around me that I can say going independent was good. Truly grateful to everyone who always helps.
Exaggerating a bit: it even feels like my whole way of living until now is being affirmed. Alone I couldn't have done anything. Somehow introductions and the like keep me fed.
Even this tiny blog sometimes gets kind messages. Even casual ones make me happy from the bottom of my heart.
I'd like to tell past me, who started the blog as a tentative outlet to change slightly the boring days where resentment piles up.
That's all for today.
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