For the past month, work had not gone well at all, and every day was self-doubt. No matter how much I improved, I still felt like I was sinking into a swamp, and I could not tell what was happening to me.
If you keep denying yourself, plenty of improvement points turn up — but facing them every day is completely crushing.
I do it because I have to, but it really wears you down.
I usually like clearing my head by thinking things through in a café, but during this stretch, even if I went in to read or try to think, I could not get anything done.
It felt like sitting down to a huge platter of Chinese food when you are already full — ugh, give me a break.
My head would not move, and all I could do was stare at the view outside.
Since nothing would stick, I listened to audiobooks of books I had already read many times while looking out the window.
In my head I knew I just had to keep improving and wait for results, but my feelings would not settle.
Those days of self-doubt went on for a while — then on one job, instead of tiny improvements, I ignored a method that is usually treated as an obvious given and tried something new.
I will not get specific, but in the work I am doing now it was an approach with little precedent and real risk.
To cut to the chase: it was a huge success. I tried the same approach again elsewhere, and that worked too.
There is still risk, but with the conventional method I probably would have failed with a fair chance — so I do not regret choosing that approach at all.
I did not mean to write about the method itself, but about what I noticed from the outcome.
In the middle of that stretch of self-doubt, being able to take a bold, risky approach on my own judgment felt extremely valuable.
It was a challenge made while I faintly felt my own limits, so I felt relief from the bottom of my heart.
It was an action I could not have reached without the self-doubt that came after standing in a tight spot — and also a place I could not have reached with self-doubt alone.
© 2021 ZUUHE