Suppose you've been coached harshly by a boss — the kind that points out a lack of ability on your part.
In those moments, stirring yourself up and deciding "I'll work hard so they recognize me someday!" is a common story.
It feels like a sincere reaction, and I've had plenty of times when tough coaching pushed me to fire myself up. Looking back, those often became grateful growth opportunities.
(If it's clearly unfair, or negativity from someone you barely know, you mostly just get angry — so this feeling only happens when there's some respect or relationship.)
Lately I've been vaguely remembering people who coached me that way.
And I noticed I may have been making a "big misunderstanding" — that's the topic.
Again: at the time I consciously tried to work so they'd recognize me, and through various efforts I think I contributed a little.
But I eventually left that organization, so I don't feel I ever reached a real "look back and prove it" moment.
The big misunderstanding: effort aimed at earning one person's recognition often stays confined to a narrow set of means.
When you think "I'll work to be recognized by this person!" you end up trying to work along (what you imagine is) that person's axis.
In reality, if you leave big results in the end, that boss would recognize you regardless of the path — yet you may unconsciously narrow options to routes they'd like, or outcomes and methods that seem easy for them to approve.
There's a danger in working with tunnel vision from watching their eyes.
Even if it succeeds and they recognize you, the satisfaction should be temporary.
Depending 100% on others' evaluation forever is hard for anyone — and if it's recognition from one specific person or a tiny few, it's even less realistic.
And if it fails, sour grapes like "I tried so hard to get them to recognize me" only look ugly.
"I'll work to be recognized by someone" is a humble, sincere goal — but that's about as far as it goes.
If you don't grow on an axis that satisfies you, you can look back and think: I grew, but I didn't become happier; it was a waste of time; I just burned out — which is a shame. And working only on others' axes can also shrink the range of growth itself.
The hard part: early in a career especially, working on someone else's axis can quickly give you transferable skills — so it isn't always wrong.
What to watch for is when you can no longer tell their values from yours, and you end up only able to work with that narrow, other-centered view — then the suffering never ends.
In my own example, I'm clearly more grown now than then — and I can say I wouldn't have grown this far if I'd stayed in that environment.
To be clear: I still respect that boss, and I'd be happy if they recognized me — but of course I no longer try to work by their values.
I even suspect that boss, watching me then, felt frustrated: "Why are you shrinking so much? Just deliver results — be freer."
That was the "big misunderstanding" I should have noticed at the time.
That's all.
Tweet© 2025 ZUUHE